Metal Sucks

Hello, again! It’s Smokey Goretooth back with another “Do I Suck?,” MetalSucks’ version of “Am I The Asshole?” where we take real life horror stories and bring them to our readers to decide if the OP sucks for some bullshit they may or may not have done. This week’s submission comes from a user named “AsIxLayCry1ng,” who is questioning the sanity of one of her friends because of her new boyfriend. Good grief, let’s read on…

Dave Mustcomplain here. Listen. I may have lost myself for a bit during my review of the new Archgoat album, and that’s okay. Doreen and I went down to Faith Lutheran and talked to Pastor Mark, and seeing as how I never officially committed apostasy, I can still be welcomed into the loving bosom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ when I die. Phew! So here I am, back reviewing this godless bullshit for you long-haired ne’er-do-wells, and I’m going to start with a band from New York City,

HERRRRRRRE’S JOHNNY!  That’s a new, original phrase I am trying out.  That’s right, Gob Squad; THIS THURSDAY it is time for me to make my long-anticipated return to the big screen. Well, I guess the size of the screen depends on your laptop or phone, and my phone is a Nokia flip phone with a tiny screen, spotty service, and a permanent chocolate stain, but I did manage to get to level four on Snake yesterday, so EAT IT, iPhone freaks! That begs another question: if movie theaters call

Another Wednesday, another new “Do I Suck?,” MetalSucks’ version of “Am I The Asshole?” where we take real life horror stories and bring them to our readers to decide if the OP sucks for some bullshit they may or may not have done. This week’s submission comes from a grown ass man who got into a tiff with a little kid while gaming. Let’s get into it… I don’t really get how I ended up here considering what playing videos games online

Alright, you remember that divine experience I mentioned in last week’s column? It turned out to be total bullshit, so forget I said anything. I thought I could let it ride and reached out to my daughter Jessica to see if she wanted to reconnect, and she in so many words told me to go fuck myself. I figure if God had actually revealed Himself to me He would’ve at least let me speak to my libtard daughter again, but maybe I’m a fucking idiot. The whole thing was probably a side effect fro

Being the Gob of metal, I keep my claw on the pulse of my industry, but when I read that one of the most popular genres amongst the younger generation wasn’t new music but NU music. I was GOBSMACKED. Can this be? Is nu-metal new… again? New Nu?  Well, they do say everything is cyclical, which I never was a believer in, that is, until earlier this week when I was walking to get my morning slurpee, and I saw a teenage boy wearing Jnco jeans. I screamed, “2001 called, they want their comica

It was quiet this week – too quiet. It makes my job all the more difficult, and doesn’t anyone ever consider my job, or me? I am Rigor Morrissey, afterall. With little to report on, there are few strings and connections to be drawn between releases, common threads that would make a more cohesive Dropocalypse… like, I could rip on the fact that only one of the four selected are plain black vinyl and we are yet again in another week of late-stage capitalistic hell, with more variant

Hello, again! Smokey Goretooth here bringing you a new “Do I Suck?,” MetalSucks’ version of “Am I The Asshole?” where we take real life horror stories and bring them to our readers to decide if the OP sucks for some bullshit they may or may not have done. This week’s submission comes from someone calling themselves “jail_band_buggin,” who’s wondering if a jail stint means the band is really over. Let’s see what they’re talking

Hey everybody, a new and improved Dave Mustcomplain here. My old lady and I just came back from church, and I’ll be goddamned if the Holy Spirit didn’t personally reach down and touch me on the tits. Said I need to be more open-minded and less filled with rage, yet here Doreen had been angry when I insisted we switch houses of worship after our pastor over at First Trinity went on an anti-ICE rant. Pretentious little shit. Looks like I was right, because we move over to Faith Lutheran an

Because there is absolutely nothing worth celebrating this Labor Day weekend, why not at least make a little bit of noise to drown out the sound of the festivities that really shouldn’t be happening while making those fest? Rigor Morrissey reporting for duty. We can sit here until the cows come home, arguing with Dave Mustcomplain and his alike patriots about everything wrong with this godforsaken country in the first place, we can also just have a more enjoyable time, listening to some

Well, it’s September now, and some people still suck. It’s Smokey Goretooth here with another “Do I Suck?,” MetalSucks’ version of “Am I The Asshole?” where we take real life horror stories and bring them to our readers to decide if the OP sucks for some bullshit they may or may not have done. This week, we’ve got a submission from a user who thinks their friend is becoming an asshole because their follower count increased. Good grief, let&#821

Goddamn heart’s acting up again… think it might be all the stress being put on it by these fucking lunatic Socialists trying to take over our country. Thank God I have Fox News to mainline the straight dope into my veins for three hours every night so I can stay informed on how badly our country’s going to hell. Worse yet, I have to wait another two weeks for the Bears’ season opener. I know it’s going to be worth it when they wallop the Christ out of the Panthers, but I gotta have som

“Hey, for our band logo, why don’t we use Comic Sans?” – SAID NO METAL BAND EVER! I get it, there is nothing metal about Times New Roman – or any other font that is legible for that matter – but as a cixelsyd, sorry dyslexic, I even get that word backwards; I need to know: How did bands go from “I want everyone to see our band name!” to “Who needs PR? Let’s make it so not even a calligrapher could decipher what this logo says!” Well, I, being the world’s

If you question my expertise on sceney-bopper-ness, let me walk you through a moment in time. I’m standing in the sitting room, my mother in the kitchen, and I’m begging her to let me either a) cut my fringe to one of those cool, massive emo fringes that were huge on Tumblr, or b) let me dye my hair purple. Guess which one I got? Neither. And while I was angry at the time – in much retrospect (death), I do appreciate the hit she took from me on that one. Because inst

Smokey Goretooth at it again with a new “Do I Suck?,” MetalSucks’ version of “Am I The Asshole?” where we take real life horror stories and bring them to our readers to decide if the OP sucks for some bullshit they may or may not have done. This week’s submission comes from a user who feels like they didn’t need to lose their spot by the stage for their friend’s sake. Let’s continue… So, we just had our Warped Tour stop a few

Hi everybody, Dave Mustcomplain here. Fair warning before I do this review: I’ve had a real bummer of a week. First off, my shitting wife Doreen capped me off at three Busch Lights a week on account of the fact that my heart threw a bitch fit a month back. Says she’s worried I’m going to finally give up the ghost and leave her all alone. I told her I’d go ahead and eat a fucking shotgun if she continues to boss me around like that, because at least then I’d get some peace and quiet. Sent h

Tomorrow marks a very special day in my podcasting career: episode 99 of the RIGHT NOW! The podcast will be released, and for those who struggle with math, that means we are but one episode away from reaching the milestone of 100. It may come as a surprise, but I wasn’t always the funny, confident, sex-Gob you see each week hosting the number one comedy podcast in the world, if you don’t fact-check that. Believe it or not, I used to be just your ordinary, everyday life-insurance salesman turned

You know the saying about the law of attraction? Yeah, well, looks like one band decided, ‘Hey, maybe we should rerelease this LP,’ and that one band ended up being pretty much all of them. And – get this – only one of them is standard black. I mean, we’re talking peak consumption-levels here. Rereleases can get a bad rap – and should – but that’s not necessarily the point. Okay, maybe it is the point. But, somehow, taking the magic of a record that was released (x) ye

It’s Smokey Goretooth back with a new “Do I Suck?,” MetalSucks’ version of “Am I The Asshole?” where we take real life horror stories and bring them to our readers to decide if the OP sucks for some bullshit they may or may not have done. This week’s submission comes from an anonymous user who got into it with a senior citizen. Read on… I didn’t want for any of this to happen, but I really did feel like I had to defend myself. I tak

No! No no no! Marilyn Manson? Are you fucking kidding me, MetalSucks? If there’s one thing us good, God-fearing Christians fear, it’s that vile, filth-ridden corrupter of American society. I didn’t storm our beautiful nation’s Capitol on that fateful day in 2021 to have him return to transform our children into loathsome, mouth-breathing goths like he did back in the nineties. My beautiful daughter Jessica told me (back before she shuttered me from her life for having the goddamn good sen