Metal Sucks

I know, I know … AI is a hotly debated topic, and here at Net Worthless, we have a very hard stance on it. AI music is the best thing that has ever happened to your band, but not for the reason you’d think. You see, with Spotify allowing AI creators to rake in pennies at a time with their computer-generated slop, the general public has become increasingly bored with all of the recent “vibe” playlists the platform has been cranking out to avoid paying actual artists. I

The Wednesdays start comin and they don’t stop coming, am I right? It’s Smokey Goretooth back at you again with a new “Do I Suck?,” MetalSucks’ version of “Am I The Asshole?” where we take your horror stories and ultimately decide if you suck for some bullshit you may or may not have done. This week’s entry comes from a user named “willfart4food420,” which, based on what they submitted, sounds like they’d at the very least fart

Alright, I need to make this quick. Hitting the links with my neighbor Barry over at Prairie Vista in an hour, and I need to focus on my game. Barry can be a real shitbird when he’s been sucking them back, and you bet your ass we’re going to be buying that twelve pack of Miller High Life with the bucket of ice before the first hole. Not trying to brag, but I hit a 94 there last month, and I’m thinking I can break 90 if he can keep his goddamn mouth shut for two hours. It’s doubtful, though,

Metal isn’t just music, it isn’t just a way of life, it IS life. In fact, in 2026, it might just be the only thing worth living for! As the world’s first and only frontgob of the premier goblin-metal band Nekrogoblikon, I have witnessed firsthand the effect metal music has on you, human beings. When my band hits the stage, when we play that world’s heaviest first note, something takes over the crowd. They are spellbound. They are transformed. They let down their hair, both figuratively and l

Another week, another paycheck, another vinyl drop – we all know how the story goes. Your favorite band ends up dropping a new variant, you’re dying to get your hands on it, you marvel at it when you finally do, play it once, and then let it collect dust. Suddenly, a record worth $30 is now worth $15 just because you unwrapped it. But, go on – let those dust bunnies multiply. We have farms of them in our houses. 200 Stab Wounds – Manual Manic Procedures This one would make

Tired of sleeping in the van? Is the La Quinta Inn with the room doors that open directly onto the highway too rich for your blood on this run of tour dates? Does every single 24-hour convenience store on this side of the Mississippi have your picture taped to the register, warning employees that you’re no longer allowed to nap in the walk-in beer cooler? Sounds like you’ve exhausted all of your usual lodging choices and need to start thinking outside the box. If you’re a

Another week, another Wednesday. It’s Smokey Goretooth again with a new “Do I Suck?,” MetalSucks’ version of “Am I The Asshole?” where we take your horror stories and ultimately decide if you suck for some bullshit you may or may not have done. Today’s installment comes from Molly, who’s wondering if she’s a dick because she thinks someone in her boyfriend’s band is hot. Let’s see what she has to say… I really wasn

When I heard I would be reviewing the new album by some band called Pharmacist, I got pretty excited. After all, my old buddy Chet worked as a pharmacist’s assistant back in the early 80s, and we spent many a wild night partying with the quaaludes he used to pilfer from his dumbshit boss before he suddenly shifted off this mortal coil. Those pills were great for sitting in your mother’s basement while listening to ZZ Topp, but not so much for driving your ’77 AMC Gremlin. Turns out stolen quaalu

In previous articles, I have really been trying to go more think piece, less stink piece, but maybe it’s time for this gob to break the label of being some new, green journalist; it’s time for Johnny’s first real interview! I saw all this commotion about a counterfeit merch store profiting off one of my favorite bands, and more importantly, my friends, Limp Bizkit. Once I saw the trolls begin to side with the counterfreaks, I knew I had to step in and tell LB’s side of the story. I immediate

In previous articles, I have really been trying to go more think piece, less stink piece, but maybe it’s time for this gob to break the label of being some new, green journalist; it’s time for Johnny’s first real interview! I saw all this commotion about a counterfeit merch store profiting off one of my favorite bands, and more importantly, my friends, Limp Bizkit. Once I saw the trolls begin to side with the counterfreaks, I knew I had to step in and tell LB’s side of the story. I immediate

Greetings, once again from Dropocalypse Friday, where you have left the mines of capitalist labor and are looking for ways to swiftly “stimulate the economy” by burning your paycheck on records. Fortunately for you, we have a nice list of purchases you can make and hide from your wife – in the off-chance that you have one. Khemmis – Khemmis Khemmis have somehow been around for eleven years, and even weirder, they’re from Colorado. You would assume these guys were Europe

The tour’s over, you’re at least two years out from your next “big things coming” post, and recent reports assert that you need a lot more money than you currently make to afford a home. If our calculations are correct over here at Net Worthless, that means you need to quadruple your earnings, which brings us to our first problem: you have no earnings to quadruple. Your storage unit lease is up for renewal, you’re broke, and if you don’t clean house fast, those assholes from

Happy Wednesday, y’all. Or, as happy as it can be, at least. Smokey Goretooth here again with another installment of “Do I Suck?,” MetalSucks’ version of “Am I The Asshole?” where we take your horror stories and ultimately decide if you suck for some bullshit you may or may not have done. Today’s entry comes from reader who is choosing to remain anonymous because, well, you’ll see. Let’s dig in… I don’t think kids should be al

Alright you blue-haired freaks, be forewarned: I am not in a good mood. I just came from the Monro over at Eastland Drive, and the punk servicing my Ford F-150 seemed to find it appropriate to charge me $930 for new pads and rotors. That little prick got one hell of a sigh and disapproving look from me as I was taking out my wallet, I’ll tell you that much. Anyway, I don’t have the desire to listen to whatever schlock MetalSucks sees fit to toss in my direction today, and I sure as shit don’t fe

I’ve been asked to give my goblin-perspective on a new beef that has emerged by two dudes in the music sphere who vaguely resemble vampires: MGK and YUNGBLUD. At first glance, neither look like they’ve never had a burger in their life, THE IRONY! I’ve never seen so many pale-looking abs! So many questions arise: is this beef newsworthy? Is it grass fed? Is this good for the music industry to have two tatted titans arguing through their publicists? Short answer, YES. To all the above, this is

Greetings, travelers of the internet, and welcome to a brand-spanking new column here at MetalSucks: DROPOCALYPSE. What exactly is this, you ask? Well, each Friday, I’ll be taking you through the week’s hottest, sexiest, freshest vinyl drops, because record collecting is fun. It is also, objectively, the stupidest hobby of all time. But that’s neither here nor there. Stay tuned if you want a weekly dose of how to spend your hard-earned cash after toiling away your limited hours on Earth work

For years, bass players have tried to find new and innovative ways to game the system. They plug their DI boxes straight into the board during recording sessions instead of lugging their amps out of the storage unit they defaulted on. They spend their $1.50 per diem on scratch-off tickets because even a five-dollar win means they can get two spinning glizzies, and maybe even a drink, from beneath the glowing sanctuary of the 7-Eleven heat lamps. But there’s one classic trick that will turn you f

Hello, everyone! Smokey Goretooth here covering “Do I Suck?,” MetalSucks‘ version of “Am I The Asshole?” where we take your horror stories and ultimately decide if you suck for some bullshit you may or may not have done. Today’s entry comes from someone calling themselves “hedlover_26,” which should already give you a feel for what we’re dealing with here. Let’s get into it… Let me start out by saying that I know how pe

Hi everybody, Dave Mustcomplain here. Part owner of M&R Heating, Cooling & Electrical, serving the fine people of Bloomington, Illinois since 1994, and proud grandfather to Lilianne and Connor even though I’m no longer on speaking terms with their mother over some Facebook posts I made during the COVID-19 plandemic, but that’s neither here nor there. When MetalSucks reached out to me to do some heavy metal album reviews for them, I was mildly surprised, but not completely blindsided.

MondaySucks is brand new MetalSucks weekly column on Mondays, written by your favorite goblin comedian musician, John Goblikon. In the modern entertainment industry, there are only two letters that can garner both immediate financial and promotional support: I.P. – In Hollywood, it refers to Intellectual Property. In the music industry, it refers to Industry Plant, and “I.C.P.” refers to the Insane Clown Posse.  So, what are Industry Plants? Who are Industry Plants?! M