Metal Sucks

Despite the title of this article, this is not centered around weddings or matrimony. Rather, it’s focused on a rerelease, a preorder, a record released within the last few months that is seeing more albums printed, and more. Which, honestly, is a far better investment than a wedding. Because one, vinyl can never cheat on you. Two, you can always sell the vinyl if push comes to shove (if you do that with a partner, that’s considered human trafficking). And three, you can have more th

Smokey Goretooth reporting for duty with a new “Do I Suck?,” MetalSucks’ version of “Am I The Asshole?” where we take real life horror stories and bring them to our readers to decide if the OP sucks for some bullshit they may or may not have done. This week’s submission comes from a user called “working_class_ass,” who is questioning whether the reason was good enough. You’ll see what I mean… I work at a really popular bar/res

Greetings all, Dave Mustcomplain, back and better than ever. If you weren’t aware, I had a little health scare a couple weeks ago when my heart decided to suddenly take a shit. Here I am, though, basically 100% now. I did piss myself when I walked past the microwave the other day, so the doc must’ve put in a pacemaker while I was out. Would’ve been nice of her to tell me, but what’re you gonna do. I’m just glad my decades-long ignorance of the Food Pyramid and completely sedentary lifestyle hasn

Metalheads are perhaps the most misunderstood group of humans I’ve come to know here on this burning planet you call Earth. Based on their pale complexions, uncut hair, and aversion to wearing pastel colors, I would have told you they have never ventured outside of their garage or their mother’s basement. Nay. I was wrong. (Note to therapist, SEE?! I CAN admit when I’m wrong!) After joining the premier goblin-metal band Nekrogoblikon, I’ve seen metalheads in all sorts of environments the

Another week at work at work completed, with another two short days of ‘rest’ (i.e. errands), and then a brand new week of work to look forward to – the joys. At a certain point, the only thing that brings me joy is spending money – it’s the only thing that seems to rattle these bones anymore, or get what used to be my adrenaline system… feeling like it’s pumping. The afterlife is boring is fuck, and even more so, when you’re still stuck on this realm of ex

Smokey Goretooth here, clocking in with a new “Do I Suck?,” MetalSucks’ version of “Am I The Asshole?” where we take real life horror stories and bring them to our readers to decide if the OP sucks for some bullshit they may or may not have done. This week’s submission comes from a user named “thisguystinks01,” who was apparently very upset with his neighbor’s lack of skill… So, I live in an apartment building that’s nex

Hey everybody, Dave Mustcomplain here. Still on the mend from that quadruple bypass from the other week, not like any of you blue-haired freaks give a shit. Been spending my time catching up on Yellowstone and sharing Charlie Kirk tribute memes on Facebook. Triggered so many libs that I’m now down to only 17 friends, not including my wife Doreen, who keeps bitching at me to stay off social media lest it trigger another episode with the old ticker. I keep telling her if I wanted medical advice I’

Listen, no matter how many times you try and say you won’t buy another limited edition variant of a record you already have at least two copies of – you always will. There’s something about our mammal brain that makes us go, ‘pretty shapez and colorz’ whenever what should be a black LP is in fact any other shade but black. Add glitter, transparency, splatter, designs – shit, pictures? It’s fucking game over. May as well open up a credit card just for vinyl purchases. And we know – a

Okay, listen up. Your band has no draw, and you’re about to default on your last seven guitar purchases. Why they’re all identical B.C. Rich Warlocks is beyond me. If you had any merch or put out any physical releases, you could hustle hard and start reinvesting in yourself, but we both know you’re incapable of that at this point in your decades-long music career. Sure, you’re only 35, but you’ve been at this forever, and this is the furthest you’ve gotten. There is, however, hope for you to

Smokey Goretooth reporting for duty with a new “Do I Suck?,” MetalSucks’ version of “Am I The Asshole?” where we take real life horror stories and bring them to our readers to decide if the OP sucks for some bullshit they may or may not have done. This week we have a submission I expected to come through at some point, considering Warped Tour just happened in Long Beach. Read on… I want to preface with saying that I’m never actually trying to h

Alright, is this supposed to be some kind of a practical joke or something? Here I am, lying in my hospital bed after my fourth heart attack, and MetalSucks assigns me an article by some band called Left to Die? Hahaha, really fucking funny guys. If my strength wasn’t temporarily reduced to that of a blue-haired barista, I’d drive over to their goddamn office and kick all their asses. Anyway, the doc said I’d be alright if I cut back on the trans fats and start getting some exercise, and Dor

Happy hump day, suckers! Smokey Goretooth is back again with a new “Do I Suck?,” MetalSucks’ version of “Am I The Asshole?” where we take real life horror stories and bring them to our readers to decide if the OP sucks for some bullshit they may or may not have done. This week’s submission comes from a user named “swift_skipper3,” who’s wondering if they suck for doing something I’m sure we’ve all wanted to do before. I

Alright, I’ve completely given up hope that MetalSucks is going to assign me a good goddamn album to review. They’re just going to keep pitching yesterday’s partially digested release in my direction, and these reviews are going to get angrier and angrier as a result. You know what? Good. Fucking good.  I’d be lying if I said it didn’t feel fantastic to lay into these shitting little brats who consider themselves musicians. Perhaps I would’ve done better by myself to get a job at a classic

“SYSTEM OF A DOWN’s DARON MALAKIAN Leads Entire Stadium in OASIS Diss.” Maybe it’s the rise of veganism, or the fact that nowadays ordering red meat from nearly anywhere can give you explosive diarrhoea, but it’s been too long since the music industry has had a good BEEF! Enter System of a Down, comparing Oasis to a tapeworm that needs to be “pulled out of your ass” while on stage, and then proceeding to get the entire crowd to chant it at full volume! Now, THIS is the kind of petty I can

There’s almost no point in even writing an introduction for this one – regardless of what is written, prog fans will already have a four-paragraph rebuttal ready and waiting before I’ve even sent this to my editor. Because somehow, prog fans always know. They just do. Hence, why this introduction feels pointless. Prog-heads already either know about the release, have bought the release, or are ready to argue that that is not a prog release. Then, throw vinyl into the mix, and the

Local shows always suck because they want to pay you in drink tickets and exposure while you waste several billable hours at the venue waiting to drill through your 25-minute set. You know the story. Load-in is at 3:00 p.m. You get screamed at by management for showing up five minutes late because there’s nowhere to park. Then you wait. And wait. Twiddling your thumbs, doomscrolling through your feed of music marketing gurus trying to explain why nobody comes to local shows. Here at Net

Rise and shine, suckers! Smokey Goretooth is back again with a new “Do I Suck?,” MetalSucks’ version of “Am I The Asshole?” where we take real life horror stories and bring them to our readers to decide if the OP sucks for some bullshit they may or may not have done. This week, we have a story from a user calling themselves “Am0rph1sMor0n,” who definitely doesn’t have his own way with words. Me and my girlfriend have kinda been going thro

OK, I just got back from the MetalSucks office, and some words were exchanged regarding my displeasure over the albums they’ve been having me cover as of late. Things got a little heated, and I’ll fully admit that some of the language I employed was a bit crass. I normally don’t lose my head like that, unless it’s something serious like when my neighbor Ken’s shit-weasel son plays ding-dong ditch on my front door, or when I disapprove of what the person in front of me at the Piggly Wiggly is usi

Introduce your kid to metal, thinking they’d grow up liking Death Angel, Black Sabbath, or Iron Maiden, but instead, they grew up to like the shit-for-brains sceney-bopper music that has no right passing itself off as metal? Damn, that’s a rough one. Sorry you still have to go to your Metallica gigs alone, and in addition, you also get to see bands like Motionless In White, Bring Me The Horizon, and Bad Omens. Chances are, you’d rather go to a million gigs on your own for the r

Trying to get a leg up as a touring musician? Are you tired of paying a 25% merch fee to venues so you could set up a beer pong table and sling your t-shirts and stickers? Has the door guy once again walked away with more cash in his pocket than your band because he’s been feeding his nose with door money? The harsh reality is that when you’re traveling across the country to get your music out to the world, the house always wins. If you want to get ahead in this industry, then you need to stack